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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
