I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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