I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
