The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
