DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
be right there i have to get my cape
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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