He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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