Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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