Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
