Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
