moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
