It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
