So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
my liver is dry heaving
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
