Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
