You made me cry and you don't even care
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
