Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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