I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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