The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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