Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
