If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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