Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
