I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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