when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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