I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
