Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
