Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
