Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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