in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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