i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
