Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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