There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
