Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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