So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
