my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
