If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
