There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
