I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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