Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
