Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
wow bdsm is so cute
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
