Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
