What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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