Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
