it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
