Cold hands, warm shart.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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