I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize