I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
