She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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