life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
