Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
