Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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