I think I am morally bankrupt
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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