i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
