I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
